There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
new shirt idea
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
need him
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes