*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
🤣
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”