Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…