Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.