Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she鈥檒l be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee鈥檚.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You鈥檙e adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 馃珷.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
No, I didn鈥檛 ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it鈥檚 bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don鈥檛 know wtf you鈥檙e talking about
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.