Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.