I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
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Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”