Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets