[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
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Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
This kid will have a bright future.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”