I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?