Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
guilty
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.