[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
the dark web is just a goth google.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*