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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
#growingpains
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
pelicons
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.