Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*