my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
my dad has had enough
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Is this you?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Bringing home a sharpie
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”