After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I feel this so hard
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?