professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Challenge accepted.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.