☺️
You Might Also Like
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
A double negative is a big no-no.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?