My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
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So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
#damn
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps