Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Only a mother’s love …
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.