I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?