My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Meowchelangelo
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Noah was an idiot.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Remember folks 😂
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment