[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
You Might Also Like
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Finally a use for spoilers…
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.