[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody