My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP