I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
This kid is a star!
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
If a snake ate a cake
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.