priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
You Might Also Like
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins