{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
waiting for halloween be like:
Rt to bother an English speaker
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.