*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to