Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits