me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.