A dead goose is called a ghoost
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”