Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Mhm.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?