I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.