computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.