Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.