Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Oops I deleted….