My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Geez man, take it easy.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: