I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
You Might Also Like
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”