My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
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Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The sacred texts.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Netflix and awkward silence?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
BaD BoY!!
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you