I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?