You know I’m something of a chef myself
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Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Planet of the Apps.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.