pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.