It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die