I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
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Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.