Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.