I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.