I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
broke down and did it
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Sheep
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.