me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
You Might Also Like
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
😂😂
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Livid.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.