*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I need to update my racial profile.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Lmao
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell